Disclaimer: This blog is part of a series that focuses on allyship for the queer and trans community; however, many of the suggestions given can apply to allyship to any equity-denied group (e.g., BIPOC communities, people with disabilities, seniors, etc.).
In a previous post, we explored what the term “allyship” means (if you missed it, you can read it here). While no two allies are the same, what should be present in every ally is a desire to help the cause they are supporting. Anastasia Preston, the Trans Community Coordinator for PEERS Alliance, offered the following tips for allies who wish to truly help.
1. Confront your own biases and any associated shame. It’s vital that allies don’t add to the work of people from equity-denied groups. This is where education comes back and plays a huge role. An uninformed ally only harms the cause.
2. Learn how best to challenge others’ biases (call in, not out). One of the most ineffective ways of challenging bias is to confront aggressively, in front of others. Let’s pretend you’re enjoying a lovely family dinner and a relative makes an anti-trans statement. How likely are you to change that person’s stance if you make them feel shamed, humiliated, and/or stupid in front of everyone? Probably not very likely. Instead, use an approach that Preston describes as “calling people in, not out.” This is where you opt to take that relative aside, later, and try to engage in a respectful discussion. You can explain that you found their comment inappropriate or offensive, and you’d like them to listen why. Using a gentler approach has been shown to have more lasting effects and cause people to change their views.
“Your tone should be one of collaboration,” recommends Preston.
Sure, it takes more time and effort, but it’s worth it. Criticizing people in front of others may end up making them feel defensive and double down on their view. Or they’ll simply shut down. Does this mean you laugh at that offensive joke at the table? No. Simply maintain a straight face, consider changing the subject, and then address it one-on-one, in a way that is more likely to resonate.
3. Allow for learning. Don’t expect too much, too fast. Just as you may have had to learn about the historical context of any given social cause, language associated with that cause, and current challenges threatening that cause, so, too, do the people whose minds you wish to change. Remember that we are all human and that our lives are busy—you can’t expect someone to learn everything about a movement in a day. It’s a journey, and, as long as people are trying, showing grace when mistakes are made has a much greater impact than lecturing.
“It’s not about shaming people, it’s about supporting people,” says Preston.
In our next (and final) post on allyship, we’ll explore how to avoid being an unhelpful ally (yes, there is such a thing).
Published Date: June 2025
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